Last year, life's circumstances led me to pick up this Japanese book called "The Courage to Be Disliked." The title definitely caught my attention. The book is written like a conversation between a young person and a philosopher, and it beautifully explained four concepts I'd always lived by but never fully understood as connected to freedom.

The first concept: Stop being a people pleaser.

I'd always known you'll never be able to make everyone around you happy all the time. It's just impossible. So I've never tried to be a people pleaser, but the book has an interesting take on why having the courage to be disliked matters so much - it ties it directly to living a life of freedom. When you're always trying to please others, you're basically living in a cage.

Having the courage to be disliked doesn't mean you stop caring about people's feelings. It means you stop letting other people's opinions control your choices. Living a life of freedom means doing what you believe is right, even if some people don't like it.

The second concept: Your past doesn't define you.

This one was eye-opening for me. Before reading this book, I did think that experiences shaped who you are. While experiences do matter and are very real, the book had an interesting take - we're not prisoners of our experiences. Instead, we're prisoners of the meaning we give those experiences.

Two people could experience the exact same thing but give entirely different meanings to what they experienced. This got me thinking about examples in my own life. I have two sons. When they fall down trying something new at the playground, my oldest won't try again because he doesn't want to get hurt. My youngest dusts himself off and goes again. Same experience - falling down. Different meanings - "I should avoid this" versus "Let me try harder."

My sister and I grew up in the same house, went to the same schools, had similar experiences. But we became completely different people. Why? Because we gave different meanings to what happened to us.

When we're young, the meanings we give to experiences is a choice, an unconscious choice. But your life's trajectory is not determined by that choice. Instead, it's determined by the meanings you choose to give now and going forward. You just need to have the courage to change them. I'm not saying it's easy - gathering that courage to change can be hard. But knowing that it's in your control is somehow liberating.

The third concept: Focus only on what you can control.

This reminded me of late-night conversations I had with my college roommate about setting low expectations from others to live happier lives.

The book calls this "separation of tasks," and I loved how they explained it. Your task is your actions. Other people's reactions? That's their task. This connects perfectly with what the Bhagavad Gita teaches - Krishna tells Arjuna: "You have the right to do your duty, but you're not entitled to the results." Same wisdom - do your part, don't worry about the rest.

Think about it. People do things expecting a thank you, expecting appreciation, expecting others to do the same for them. And when they don't get what they expected, they get upset. But if you do things simply because you want to do them, without expecting anything back, you stay happy.

The fourth concept: Build equal relationships and serve your community.

The book also talks about having horizontal relationships instead of vertical ones. Treat people as equals, not as superior or inferior. I've always tried to do this. You can see it in how someone treats people they perceive as 'below' them - like how they talk to restaurant staff or service workers. There's even a scene in Munna Bhai MBBS that shows this perfectly.

But I see hierarchical thinking everywhere. Growing up, I hated hearing the Malayalam phrase 'ninnekkal X onam kooduthal' suggesting don't argue with someone who has had X more Onams than you - using someone's age to shut down opinion rather than actually listening to what they're saying. Or watching how my mother's words weren't given the same respect as men's. If she were born as a man, society would have treated her completely differently.

These are all examples of vertical relationships - where we treat people as superior or inferior based on age, gender, position, whatever. But with my kids, I try to do the opposite. Instead of talking down to them because they're young, I have conversations with them like I would with any adult. I treat their thoughts and feelings as valid, even when I disagree.

The book also talks about something called "community feeling" - the idea that happiness comes from contributing to something bigger than yourself. Everyone is part of a community, and no one lives completely alone. At the same time, no one is the center of the community - we're each just part of a bigger whole.

I completely believe in this. When I go to temple to pray, I don't ask for favors from God for myself. Instead, I ask to be shown opportunities to serve others so I can be God's helper. If everyone is asking for help from God, then who is going to help God? I want to help.

I've always lived in service of others, particularly my family, and that gives me a sense of fulfillment I don't get from material things. Those are momentary. But again, when serving others, do it because you want to, not expecting anything in return - not even words of appreciation.

Now, this doesn't mean you need to be a saint or a monk. I believe the first service you have is to yourself. Only when you've done that should you go in search of serving others. There's this dialogue in the Malayalam movie Sandesham that resonates with me: "ആദ്യം സ്വയം നന്നാവണം പിന്നെ വീട് എന്നിട് വേണം നാട് നന്നാക്കാൻ" which roughly translates to "First, one must become good oneself. Then the home. Then, if needed, make the country good".

So to summarize: Don't be a people pleaser - you can't make everyone happy anyway. Your experiences don't define you - the story you tell yourself about those experiences does, and you can change that story. Focus only on what you can control - your actions, not others' reactions. True fulfillment comes from embracing your own choices, accepting yourself, building equal relationships and community contribution.

When you really understand these four things, you start living a life of freedom. Not freedom to hurt people or be selfish, but freedom to be yourself without constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks.

If this makes sense to you, pick up "The Courage to Be Disliked" and read it. It might just change how you see yourself and the world around you.

Last year, life's circumstances led me to pick up this Japanese book called "The Courage to Be Disliked." The title definitely caught my attention. The book is written like a conversation between a young person and a philosopher, and it beautifully explained four concepts I'd always lived by but never fully understood as connected to freedom.

The first concept: Stop being a people pleaser.

I'd always known you'll never be able to make everyone around you happy all the time. It's just impossible. So I've never tried to be a people pleaser, but the book has an interesting take on why having the courage to be disliked matters so much - it ties it directly to living a life of freedom. When you're always trying to please others, you're basically living in a cage.

Having the courage to be disliked doesn't mean you stop caring about people's feelings. It means you stop letting other people's opinions control your choices. Living a life of freedom means doing what you believe is right, even if some people don't like it.

The second concept: Your past doesn't define you.

This one was eye-opening for me. Before reading this book, I did think that experiences shaped who you are. While experiences do matter and are very real, the book had an interesting take - we're not prisoners of our experiences. Instead, we're prisoners of the meaning we give those experiences.

Two people could experience the exact same thing but give entirely different meanings to what they experienced. This got me thinking about examples in my own life. I have two sons. When they fall down trying something new at the playground, my oldest won't try again because he doesn't want to get hurt. My youngest dusts himself off and goes again. Same experience - falling down. Different meanings - "I should avoid this" versus "Let me try harder."

My sister and I grew up in the same house, went to the same schools, had similar experiences. But we became completely different people. Why? Because we gave different meanings to what happened to us.

When we're young, the meanings we give to experiences is a choice, an unconscious choice. But your life's trajectory is not determined by that choice. Instead, it's determined by the meanings you choose to give now and going forward. You just need to have the courage to change them. I'm not saying it's easy - gathering that courage to change can be hard. But knowing that it's in your control is somehow liberating.

The third concept: Focus only on what you can control.

This reminded me of late-night conversations I had with my college roommate about setting low expectations from others to live happier lives.

The book calls this "separation of tasks," and I loved how they explained it. Your task is your actions. Other people's reactions? That's their task. This connects perfectly with what the Bhagavad Gita teaches - Krishna tells Arjuna: "You have the right to do your duty, but you're not entitled to the results." Same wisdom - do your part, don't worry about the rest.

Think about it. People do things expecting a thank you, expecting appreciation, expecting others to do the same for them. And when they don't get what they expected, they get upset. But if you do things simply because you want to do them, without expecting anything back, you stay happy.

The fourth concept: Build equal relationships and serve your community.

The book also talks about having horizontal relationships instead of vertical ones. Treat people as equals, not as superior or inferior. I've always tried to do this. You can see it in how someone treats people they perceive as 'below' them - like how they talk to restaurant staff or service workers. There's even a scene in Munna Bhai MBBS that shows this perfectly.

But I see hierarchical thinking everywhere. Growing up, I hated hearing the Malayalam phrase 'ninnekkal X onam kooduthal' suggesting don't argue with someone who has had X more Onams than you - using someone's age to shut down opinion rather than actually listening to what they're saying. Or watching how my mother's words weren't given the same respect as men's. If she were born as a man, society would have treated her completely differently.

These are all examples of vertical relationships - where we treat people as superior or inferior based on age, gender, position, whatever. But with my kids, I try to do the opposite. Instead of talking down to them because they're young, I have conversations with them like I would with any adult. I treat their thoughts and feelings as valid, even when I disagree.

The book also talks about something called "community feeling" - the idea that happiness comes from contributing to something bigger than yourself. Everyone is part of a community, and no one lives completely alone. At the same time, no one is the center of the community - we're each just part of a bigger whole.

I completely believe in this. When I go to temple to pray, I don't ask for favors from God for myself. Instead, I ask to be shown opportunities to serve others so I can be God's helper. If everyone is asking for help from God, then who is going to help God? I want to help.

I've always lived in service of others, particularly my family, and that gives me a sense of fulfillment I don't get from material things. Those are momentary. But again, when serving others, do it because you want to, not expecting anything in return - not even words of appreciation.

Now, this doesn't mean you need to be a saint or a monk. I believe the first service you have is to yourself. Only when you've done that should you go in search of serving others. There's this dialogue in the Malayalam movie Sandesham that resonates with me: "ആദ്യം സ്വയം നന്നാവണം പിന്നെ വീട് എന്നിട് വേണം നാട് നന്നാക്കാൻ" which roughly translates to "First, one must become good oneself. Then the home. Then, if needed, make the country good".

So to summarize: Don't be a people pleaser - you can't make everyone happy anyway. Your experiences don't define you - the story you tell yourself about those experiences does, and you can change that story. Focus only on what you can control - your actions, not others' reactions. True fulfillment comes from embracing your own choices, accepting yourself, building equal relationships and community contribution.

When you really understand these four things, you start living a life of freedom. Not freedom to hurt people or be selfish, but freedom to be yourself without constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks.

If this makes sense to you, pick up "The Courage to Be Disliked" and read it. It might just change how you see yourself and the world around you.